Ocean Blues, a piece of fiction.

All matter as we know it was created in the Big Bang. We see the remnants of the universe's great expansion every time we gaze upon the stars. They appear immobile to our ephemeral eyes, yet they silently stream across the heavens at speeds too fast for comprehension, moving further and further from some initial point, some universal answer to their existence. And here, on Earth, all life has emerged from the sea. We are drawn to it, and countless civilizations have flourished on it's shores. Maybe that's why a coastline at night stirs something within us.

Several years ago, during my college days, I went to Florida with some classmates for spring break. By this point in my life, it was already well-established that I would but rarely drink and preferred to always be in control of my faculties. These teetotaler ways of mine, coupled with being a mutual friend to everyone on the trip, undeniably played a part in securing me a seat in Jeff's old station wagon for the seven hour ride to the ocean.
There were five of us total. There was Jeff Codby, the unquestionable leader of our troupe with an infectious good-nature, and Tom Davidson, a foot-baller with a good head on his broad shoulders and an unhidden love for botany. There was Eric Worth, a very intelligent young man with absolutely no drive to succeed or study, and there was Daniel Winters, who, despite belonging to very wealthy family, lumped himself with us and looked forward to working for a living, even if it was in a laboratory. And of course there was me, Anthony Landis, the introspective model student and designated driver.

One of my fondest memories from the trip involved me taking over my duties as designated driver on the very night that we arrived. Eric, no taller than 5'7, and no heavier than a hundred-thirty pounds soaking wet, challenged Tom Davidson to a drinking contest. Tom, it should be mentioned, stood 6'2 and weighed near 300 pounds of solid muscle. After three mugs of beer each, Eric began to slur his words very noticeably, and Tom confessed to being “a little less thirsty than before.” Across the bar, Jeff spent his time trying to impress some female vacationers with his pinball skills and personal charm, while at the same time, Daniel tried to impress the same girls with his ability to buy them drinks. He never once mentioned his social status, but kept the taps running.

At the end of the night, we had only been to the one bar, and the only one in our ranks that was completely smashed was Eric, who was easily carried to the car by Tom(Tom, it should be mentioned, had developed nothing more than a touch of uncertainty in his tread). I drove the group to our motel smiling faintly as Jeff and Daniel recounted how they made plans to meet back up with the girls they had met.

The next two nights saw me again chauffeuring the crew around, and by the fourth night, it seemed like my good-natured sobriety was being required a bit too often. I had fully expected to be the designated driver, but for some reason I hadn't expected my comrades to end up drunken every night after the first, and to need my services throughout the daylight hours. What complicated matters was that not everyone in the group had the same plans each day. There were times when I'd drive Jeff to one bar, and then would take Tom to a volleyball tournament, only to turn around and drop off Eric and Daniel at a motel to meet someone. To my further dismay, after taking everyone to their perspective destinations, I would always end up driving back to the motel to wait for calls requesting me to pick them back up. As I've said, by the fourth night, I was wearied. I, in a move quite uncharacteristic of me, voiced this sentiment to Jeff. It was not taken lightly, and I was assured that the next night (our last night to be there) I would be free to do anything I wanted.

The following day came quickly enough, and my peers all found other ways to get about during the day while I read an improving book out in the sunlight and sand. Later, I brought out my pencils, and sketched the sunset as it crept into the sky, and when the stars eventually came out, I began to walk. I simply meandered, slowly taking in the vastness of the stars. At the same time, my thoughts also turned inward, and I began to think about how insignificant we all are in the vastness of space. And I thought about how nothing we do could ever possibly matter in any kind of grand scheme. And, yes, I doubted that, given the infinity of space, that there could even exist a grand scheme. But at the same time, I saw that such beauty and structure could hardly be random! I looked upon my own life's actions: I had made no real accomplishments beyond those of academia, I had seen very little of the world, I had never known real love, my youth was very dull and common, etcetera, ad infinitum. But in the vastness of it all, these facts were trivial. I could exceed in every field and still it could not matter to the universe. It only made a difference in my own mind. And yet... and yet, there seemed to be something more, if I could only grasp it. It was then that I heard my name, called out, as if from some great distance. I turned and looked back towards the lights of the city which were drowning out the stars above.

A figure was heading my way, and after hearing my name again, I determined that it was Daniel. Behind him, further back, I could just make out the others. I waited for them, and when they had all caught up, they told me why they had sought me. There was a carnival out on the docks. It had just started that night, and this was the only opportunity to see it. I politely mentioned how I was supposed to be free of my duties tonight. Jeff answered for the rest of them, saying how the docks were within walking distance and that I wouldn't have to drive. I didn't understand at first, but after a bit more conversing, I realized they wanted me to be the designated walker! I was being asked to make sure that they didn't get completely smashed only to end up walking the wrong way back to the motel, or that they didn't pass out on the beach and get carried away during high tide.

I tried to shirk the responsibility using levity. Their cries of “Let's go the fair” were met by my “I'm sorry, but I'm not a very fair person,” and “You go on without me, I don't fare well.” All I wanted to do was to continue my study of the seas and stars. I felt that if I could just continue, some great puzzle piece would fall into place. I would understand my role in existence, I could figure out my destiny, I would learn the meaning of life, so to speak. And yet, the group all continued their entreaties. They were dead set on going to the jetty, and they desperately wanted me to go along with them. They assured me that I would have a great time, and said that even if they weren't drinking, they would still want me to go with them. They didn't understand how close I felt to finding some great peace and understanding, and I lacked the words to explain. Eventually, their request for my attendance at the docks was little more than a chant. I sighed, and told them I would go.

I actually had fun, I'll admit it. But at the same time, I still have yet to find the answers that seemed so close that night. Some nights, I lie awake and wonder how my life would be different if I had stayed behind, if I hadn't gone to the silly carnival on the docks. Even today I feel remorse for the knowledge I never learned, and for what seemed like my decision to remain ignorant.

All I can do is simply wonder how my life might have turned out differently if I hadn't given in to their request that I join them along the jetty.

Oh, if only I hadn't given in to pier pressure!